Circus Freaks United

Here’s a little speech I wrote last night. Gather around, people of Hollywood because it’s fairytale story time. Once upon a time, there was a poor little Greek girl, grown up in Manhattan by the name of Geniever Anistonapalofogus. Now every night before going to sleep, or sleepypofonon, as her yaya would call it, the 600-pound 4-year old Geniever would kneel beside her bed in her pajamas and pray to the Greek god of Kunis, uncle Telly Savalas. She prayed for three things: to have everyone in the entire world be fascinated with her haircuts. To one day star in a movie about an evil leprechaun who kills people. And most importantly: receive a star on the prestigious Hollywood Walk of Fame. Well, today, Geniever, the trifecta is here! It’s here! It hasn’t been an easy road for that poor little roly-poly Greek girl. Sorry. She endured many professional disappointments before landing the part of Rachel Green in a show called Friends at the age of 52. But by the time the show ended its run, she’d abtained five special real life friends, a permanent place in America’s heart and what we in the business refer to as Seinfeld money. But did that little Greek girl go and buy herself an island somewhere and forget us fans? She did not! She made movies, hit after hit. Comedies, dramedies, movies with Vince Vaughn and we loved them all. I loved them all. Except for the one where the dog dies. Not because the dog died but because I had a movie opening that same weekend and she kicked my ass. How dare you? I love this girl, my wife loves this girl, the entire world loves this girl! But mostly her family: pops, mom, brothers, fake-sisters and handsome and well-educated Justin Theroux loves this girl. And so, finally, belatedly, deservedly, I present - I don’t know if I do this but I wrote it in the speech - someone presents a star on the Hollywood Walk of Fame. - Adam Sandler

(via thesmellycat)